Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
please don't ironically join a cult
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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