Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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