The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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