the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
