As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
