So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize