i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
