Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
