I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
