ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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