Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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