Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
