i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
