I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
