six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
