i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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