I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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