I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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