I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize