glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
