I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize