He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Two words: nipple clamps
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