that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
