When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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