I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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