if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
