would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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