Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
