i'm signing you up for texting rehab
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
