Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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