it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
