Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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