i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
