maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize