someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
