Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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