so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
