the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
