textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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