I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
