Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
