so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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