the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
They took my balls.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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