I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
