Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
