eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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