the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
