At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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