Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
