Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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