Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
