just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
