just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
