i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
