perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
