My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
