Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
