i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize