WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Boobs are out for the taking
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
