So drunk its hurt
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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