I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
