I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
