She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
