Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
