I wish my penis had an off switch
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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