Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
