its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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