U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize