I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
God, I missed his penis.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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